It is crazy how much I feel I've grown in Christ since September of last year. And to think it's been almost a year. We talk now (text). But that's it. And somehow that feels like enough.

Ever since a friend's wedding on the 14th I've had the song "For the Beauty of the Earth" stuck in my head. I'm humming the tune or singing the song or it's in my dreams. I've never had a song stuck like this before. Not a hymn anyways. The following link has a really pretty version of the song. It's much slower than when it was at the wedding, or how it sung in most cases. I've asked my mom to teach me how to play it on the piano. I can't read music,but if she shows me the hand positions and I memorize those, I think it will be enough. I've done that before.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKqm9qrDcMs&p=F70F050330C449F2&playnext=1&index=17

I am moving home in a few days. Until I get a job, an apartment and have enough money to be able to afford all of it. I'm nervous. But mostly I'm nervous for the holidays. Because they're not always happy. For me, they have a lot of pain surrounding them.

I'm going to the rodeo with my mom. It starts on Friday. I'm really excited. Can't wait to take some good pictures! And to just go. I haven't been to the big one before :)

A close family friend is on hospice now. I cannot imagine how hard it is for his wife to watch him wilt away. They are a REALLY close couple. And so in love. At the end of September we're going to Spokane for 2 wedding celebrations. And my mom has asked if I'll come along when Jim's funeral takes place. So she can be support for her best friend and I can be support for her. I haven't seen Jim in a while, but when I was a kid we were around him a lot. And he is a really good man. So I would want to go anyways.

Recently I felt a shift in my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost 4 years now. And I love him, I really do. But I realized that there are a few things I would never forgive myself for if I let him live life without, or if I let myself do so.

He wants desperately to have children, specifically his own. I do not share this deep rooted desire, in fact I have no urge or love for children.

He wants for us to attend the same church, in doing so I imagine that one of us would feel incomplete in the lessons we receive or would feel boxed in. Either option would be a problem.

There are other reasons, but I am struggling with whether or not to break up with him. It feels like an impossible thing to do because I really do love him. I am only considering this because I realize that loving me won't be enough if having kids is equally important to him. Or possibly more so. He says it wouldn't be as meaningful with someone else, but I just can't change that part about myself. I feel strongly that I am not to have children, that I am meant for something different.

On the plus side I feel stronger, as though I could handle breaking up with him, I could live without him. Before I wasn't strong enough for our separation. I would feel like I was holding him back in several ways if he stayed with me. And it has been a nagging feeling, one I've struggled with for several months now. I've spent a lot of time in prayer, in conversation and in thought about this.

I just dread going through with it. I don't know how to break up with him when I'm still so desperately in love with him. (I should mention in the past 10 months I have seen him for less than a day total. And one of us was sick for all of that time. If I am able to do this, it will be one of the hardest things I will have ever attempted. But I feel like if I really love him, I would put him first. I wouldn't be selfish. He could have a complete life with somebody else. Somebody who shares his same love language (affection/physical touch), someone who wants kids, who is the same type of conservative christian that he is. Someone who really wants marriage and who wants it soon.

I can't make it through a day without feeling guilty from not telling him my thoughts about this. I never keep things from him. But I need to not tell him about this until I've decided. And gotten the strength. Everywhere I go there are so many reminders and I feel about to burst with what I must do. If there were a way to avoid this, I would. I thought I was just having doubts about our relationship, but it has been several months, there have been signs, been bible verses, but sermons that just hit too close to home, and I can't hide from God. I am glad he's given me supportive friends, a supportive family and a supportive community and better self-esteem. I will have part of the summer to recover, to breathe and to get back on my feet.

And someday, if things change, and he's still single and so am I, then I suppose we will find each other again. But right now it seems hard to imagine life without my best friend, without my love, without my other half.

thoughts? suggestions? bible passages? words of advice/comfort?

I was wondering if anyone had suggestions of what to give up/do for Lent this year? I've done the general stuff, like no soda/icecream/candy/chocolate/tv, etc. But I feel like now that I've grown in my faith and such I should do something a little different. I was thinking of reflecting on self-image/beauty and how some of us care what others think about us and such. It is something I've come to struggle with in the last few years. I never really used to worry what I looked like to others or if I was wearing things that were in style, but lately it's seemed to matter. So I was thinking that attempting to give that up for Lent would be interesting....thoughts?